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The Fucking Machines stories always start like this ... The dinner party was coming to an end. The guests were Jane, Jenny, Louise, Lucy and John. The hostess was Lesley. They had been drinking beer most of the evening, and had had a good meal of steak and chips with bread rolls. The party was taking place in Lesley's kitchen, furnished in vinyl and lino. They had just finished coffee and liqueurs when Louise asked where the loo was. 'Oh shit,' Lesley said, 'I knew there was something I meant to see to. I'm afraid the drains are blocked.' This was bad news for the rest of the company too, since they were beginning to feel that their bladders could do with emptying before long. 'What have *you* been doing, then, Lesley?' Lucy asked. Lesley coughed embarrassedly and glanced towards a red plastic bucket in the corner of the kitchen. Now they were all pretty drunk and feeling horny enough, but none of them was

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